In recent times a few women have been killed as a consequence of leaving their abusive partners. According to the experts women in abusive situations are most at risk during pregnancy and when they are about to or have left the abuser.
How can we get men to understand that they do not own the women they get with. I would like to assume that relationships are formed between two persons both of whom would benefit in some way from the union, in good ways. It probably would be a good idea to broach the subject at the beginning by saying when this relationship no longer serves the purpose then it is time for us to go our separate ways without fear of retaliation.
Idealistic? Perhaps, but it might be a start on the road to an amicable end.
I find that we don’t discuss things while starting a relationship, at least some of us don’t. In fact, I think we mostly stumble into relationships with eyes wide shut and convince ourselves that it is going to work without putting any good thought or deed in it.
As individuals, we need to determine what we need in a relationship and what the deal breakers are, and we have to be firm about the deal breakers or it won’t make sense.
Never answer the question: What kind of partner are you looking for? The potential candidate can develop a persona to fit into the person you desire just to close the deal and that could prove disastrous. I think that is a question asked by men who might turn out to be totally different from what you were expecting, perhaps an abuser.
Years ago I was told by a woman that I had a good husband because, and I quote,
“… him naw rass yuh.” Here that means I’m not getting beaten up and she would know because we lived in the same house. Whether he was good or not I surely had in mind a better definition of whom a good husband was. Needless to say she was in an abusive relationship and that’s her story; I was there and I saw it. It was extremely frightening and nothing I had ever seen before or since. I certainly doubt that I would remain with someone who thinks he has a right to put his hands on me.
This reminds me of an incident years ago at work. I had on a few more pounds and apparently the distance between the wall and the refrigerator had shrunken and I banged into either the wall or the ‘fridge which left a bruise; true story.
One of my co-workers noticed it and pointed it out by asking what caused the bruise. Of course, on hearing my explanation she gave me a look that I never understood at the time. Needless to say, I have had bruises that I could not explain as they are so commonplace with me.
I never grew up with adults physically fighting and as an adult I have never experienced physical abuse, so I never thought about how that was the same excuse victims of domestic abuse used. It only dawned on me years later that she thought I was hiding a domestic abuse incident. In other words she saw me as a liar.
I was upset at first but by then I had moved on from that work place so I had to let that go. I knew she grew up with abuse and I can see why her mind went immediately to that place.
I don’t know how this problem will be solved because even very strong women can find themselves into that situation but I do hope sincerely that there will come a time when women won’t have to deal with abuse or be murdered for leaving a relationship that no longer serves them.